The Facade

There was an article in the local paper last week titled "Bringing Suicide Out of the Shadows".  It was about the high rate of suicide among white males age 35-65 who have lived with depression their entire life but who hide it until...they just can't anymore.

It took me many years to realize that Shawn was severely depressed.  In fact, I think the first time the notion even occurred to me was in 2002 when he stood there in the dark and told me, in precise detail, of a suicide plan he had formulated.

He told Amber at some point during their marriage that he "had thought about killing himself every day for 20 years".

I didn't know the darkness that resided within him. 

He had always seemed carefree and happy-go-lucky. 

It was an act he had perfected and he had a lot invested in it.

As he got older he couldn't maintain the facade with me and, later, with Amber.

The article identified the warning signs of suicide in "middle-aged" men who had been living with depression for many years. This list was one of the first that I thought reflected what I saw in Shawn.

Perhaps other lists over suicide warnings were written for teenagers or, more likely, women who display the more stereotypical signs of depression (lethargy, crying, etc).

This list and the mission described in the article seem important!  There are other men out there who have suffered silently their entire lives.  Men, who are wearing a happy mask while hurting inside in a way that damages their soul.  Maybe their is help for them.  Maybe the stigma of depression can be removed for these men so they have a voice and use it to DEMAND help for themselves!

I can't say that if I had seen this list during our marriage that I could have done anything differently.  Nor can I tell you that I would have ever believed you if you had said he would become one of the 80% of suicides in our county that are committed by men between the age of 35-65.

I can tell you now, however, that it seems so obvious to me now that the ending of Shawn's story had been heading there for many years.

Here is the list...

• Threatening to hurt or kill oneself or talking about wanting to hurt or kill oneself.  Yes, starting in 2002 - almost 10 years before he made his first and final attempt.


• Looking for ways to kill oneself by seeking access to firearms, pills or other means. Yes.  It turns out that him hoarding pain pills after surgery wasn't for recreational use as he claimed.  He later admitted to Amber he had been trying to save enough to kill himself.  And then there was the gun collecting and target shooting he started - with no previous interest - in 2009.

• Talking or writing about death, dying or suicide when these actions are out of the ordinary for the person. It was certainly out of nowhere the first time he detailed a suicide plan to me.  And there were all the times when he would go stand out in a lightning storm as if challenging the lightning to hit him.

• Feeling hopeless. He kept this hidden behind the anger.

• Feeling rage or uncontrolled anger or seeking revenge. Oh, boy!  This became prominent in the years after the kids were born.

• Acting recklessly or engaging in risky activities.   I guess standing in lightning storms counts?  Or doing crazy things on a mountain bike.

• Feeling trapped — like there’s no way out. Again, he kept this hidden behind his anger.  Although he did talk about feeling trapped in our marriage when he wanted to be with someone else "because it was the honorable thing to do"

• Increasing alcohol or drug use. Yep.

• Withdrawing from friends, family, society.  Does hating "society" as a whole count?