I recently went down to the basement and waded through boxes to where I had buried the photo albums from...my youth.
It's funny how I see my life before the divorce as my youth and my life since the divorce as...oldness.
I had the thought that I would find some photos of Shawn and of the two of us together to scan and post.
As I flipped through the albums I was careful not to think too much over any one picture (other than to notice I once had a bikini body!!) - I'm still so cautious about "going there" - but I couldn't find the picture I sought.
There were plenty of snapshots of us outdoors enjoying our life together with our pets. Shots where we looked young and tan and carefree.
But these shots weren't satisfying the itch that needed scratching.
I realized what I was looking for was a photo of Shawn as I remember him at the end. Sitting in a chair with a blank look on his face and a beer tipping precariously from his grip.
Why did I want to find this photo?
It doesn't even exist except in my mind.
I mean who, in their right mind, takes a photo of their husband in a drunken stupor.
It's not an attractive look.
In fact it is down right disgusting.
It robs you of any respect you once had for a person.
Do I want this photo to prove something to myself?
Do I need to see it now to shut off any sadness or pity I might feel?
Do I need to see it to hang on to the anger?
1 comment:
I know why you need to see that photo, even though it most likely doesn't exist: It's proof. Maybe others (especially Shawn's friends and family) don't really believe that his undoing was his own doing. Maybe others don't truly believe that he got ugly toward the end of your marriage and especially toward the end of his life. Just my hunch. I saw from the posts left on the funeral home website that people respected him professionally and had very positive interactions with him, but they don't know the torment that he caused you and your kids and himself. You might be looking for a bit of documentation? That's understandable.
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