Or...

Since my birthday I have felt less tormented - maybe even a sense of peace.  And today I noticed that I may have even had a 24-hour time period go by where I didn't think of Shawn and "what he did".

As recently as a week ago there was a constant track running in my head that thought about Shawn's death regardless of what else I was doing.  Almost like a program running in the background on your computer...you can't necessarily see that it is there or what it is doing unless you look for it...and yet it is there slowing everything else down.

Could it be that I am "done grieving"?

Or am I just in remission?

Or maybe I just needed a break after the intensity of the emotions on my birthday and I have subconsciously shut them down?

Or maybe it is that the kids have been struggling more in the past week and so my focus is on them?

Lily is clearly feeling some anger.  I have finally learned that when she is grouchy, impatient and most notably needing to control everyone and everything around her that the underlying emotion is anger.  My observation is that, for her, this emotion has been the hardest of all the grieving stages.  She was never an angry child and I don't think she knows what to do with this feeling.

Lennon has been...a mixed up combination of 11 year old boy hormones.  Maybe he is grieving somewhere in his little Asperger's brain or maybe he really is as matter-of-fact as he seems about his Dad's death.  I do know that no amount of gentle, patient or humorous reminders, removal of screen time or positive goal setting seem to work to get him to pick up his towel, brush his teeth, put in the rubber bands for his braces, shut the door or put the toilet seat down.

Perhaps it is time for me to do some writing about the L's.