Cue - Scream

I woke up screaming at 3:10am.

The dream was so bad that I was actually nauseated when I got out of bed in an effort to re-enter reality.

Hours later, when I rose for the day, I realized it didn't take much effort to figure out why I had the dream.

You may have seen the headline in the past few days about how Fox News inadvertently aired a suicide on live TV.

They were following a police chase live, apparently that is a popular news story since the OJ Simpson excitement of years ago.

Instead of surrendering peacefully, the suspect got out of his car, pointed the gun at his head, and - as the news anchor hurriedly commanded to "cut" the scene - shot himself.

Of course, websites picked up this story and had the video available so you could watch it for yourself.

I clicked on the video...without even considering the ramifications.

But it wouldn't pull up and I returned to my work day.

This was all forgotten until about 11pm when I woke up after several hours of sleep and checked my phone.  I know they say not to do this but I do it every night.

There, in front of me, was an article on Slate chastising websites for posting this video - pointing out that it risks sensationalizing suicide.

Even in my sleepy state I questioned myself as to whether it was a good idea for ME to watch the video and I realized how stupid I had been to click on it earlier without even thinking about the impact it could have on me.

I drifted back to sleep only to dream this...

I was sitting in my living room watching a Denver football game on TV.  Suddenly the broadcast was interrupted by news media saying that multiple planes had been hijacked across the US and that they were following the story live.  I watched in horror as they suddenly showed the Denver football stadium as a plan approached.  I saw the people fleeing and screaming.  And then I saw the plane hit the stadium.

The broadcasters kept replaying the video over and over in slow motion so you could see the people running, falling and burning.  It was extremely graphic.  Horribly graphic.

And then they showed that there were hundreds of planes - all across the US and they were flying into crowded places.

I ran terrified in to where R. was sleeping - yelling and trying to wake her to tell her of the danger and to get comfort from my fear.  She wouldn't wake despite my desperate shaking and pulling of her arm.

And then I saw the plane flying sideways outside along the windows of the house.

Cue scream.

Analysis:

• Clearly there is a 9/11 theme - an event that I had a somewhat interesting reaction to considering I was 40 weeks pregnant when it happened and gave birth 8 days later
• The news showing death is clearly about the suicide video
• The part about R. not waking up - even though it was her in the dream I don't think it really was her (if that makes any sense) - I think that I was actually about me trying to "wake Shawn up" to alert him to the danger (of his ultimate suicide) and that it was too late.  The trying to wake scene was a familiar one of trying to get Shawn up after he had passed out.

I was thinking about Shawn today and looking at pictures (nope, still haven't found the invisible picture).  I looked at him and said, "I didn't know you were so sad."

I thought he was angry.