The more things change, the more they stay the same.

I just came across the “Life History” I completed in 1991 prior to beginning with my first therapist in college. It asked me to list my “five main fears”.

Here they were at age 20:

1. Being made fun of
2. Sounding stupid
3. Appearing childish
4. Death
5. Being criticized

I described my home atmosphere as a child as “very routine oriented – no spontaneity except when something bad happened”.

I wrote that "punishments as a child" were“humiliation, sent to room for a week (allowed to come out for school or to go to bathroom), beating and ignoring”

In answer to the question, “How would someone who likes you describe you?” I said, “Jennifer is generous, kind, enthusiastic, intelligent, happy, sensitive and kind-hearted”.
And to the question of, “How would someone who dislikes you describe you?” I wrote, “Jennifer talks too much, is stupid, awkward looking, childish, thinks she’s smart and is too dumb to know she’s not, simple-minded and boring.”
Ouch!

It is interesting for me to revisit my self-assessment from 21 years past as I began some very difficult work with a new therapist.   After a couple of sessions of getting an overview of my life history she had some interesting observations...   First, no shocker here...I have some pretty serious trauma work for PTSD - both from my childhood and my marriage - that I haven't dealt with (unless you count convincing myself "it wasn't that bad" as a form of "dealing").  I am going to be trying something called EMDR to work through these experiences and change how I react physiologically to these memories.  Based on what I know so far, it is going to involve reliving these painful memories while learning a technique for reprocessing them.  It can be difficult but has proven effective in the long run.  You can read more about it here.  

Second, she observed how I really was the one holding everything together during my years with Shawn.  I had no one (sober) to support me when it came to the business, the finances, the house, the kids, the marriage.  And so I became what she called "Super Functional".  Yeah, that probably describes me.  And I take that title with pride BUT...clearly it is not sustainable over the course of a lifetime.  She suggested I may have reached a point in my life where I don't have to function for everyone in every area of life.  Crazy!  

Third...oh where is the third??  My mind is swimming with all of this.  

Just when I thought I was getting "better" because, "Hey!  I've dedicated a whole three months to processing the past 5 years of my life while simultaneously ignoring some of the foundations that found me in the situation I did".   

Now I have a lot of hard work to do.  

I will do this for me.  I will do this for my kids.  I will do it for my Mom.  I will do it for my partner.  I will do it because, as far as we know, we only get ONE LIFE and I want to make the most of it because it is so precious.