How it Went

I made it all the way until dinner time before I found myself curled up, in the fetal position, on the floor of the closet sobbing so hard it sounded like a cross between howling and laughter.

I guess it was probably something that had to happen at some point.  Aalthough I've certainly cried along this journey, not once in the past 365 days had a let myself "go there".

I knew when Lily weepily clung to me as I dropped her off to catch the school bus that it was unlikely I was going to make it through the day without crying.

I couldn't help it as the day wore on.  I kept marking certain times and thinking of what I was doing last year at that time. 

At 12:41AM I woke up, sat bolt upright in bed and thought, "This is when he did it".  Even thought I had always just assumed it was "sometime after midnight" I realized as I laid there doing the math that it would be about right.  Leave the car at midnight once it was officially my birthday, hike two miles at his usual walking pace of 4mph, spend about 10 minutes contemplating...

It didn't take too much to set me off.  The kids were being hyper and R. came home exhausted and cranky from a week of hell at work.

I couldn't let the kids see me crashing - it would be too scary for them - so I sent them outside to wait for dinner. 

Poor R. took the brunt of it.  There may have been some accusations hurled about how my birthday had turned into exactly what I had feared...me plastering a fake smile on my face.  And it was all her fault, of course.

She spoke the truth when she said, "I tried for weeks to ask what you wanted to do for your birthday and you never answered me.  There is nothing I could have done to make your birthday the way you want it because you decided months ago it was going to be bad".

So there you have it...

It wasn't R. who spoiled my birthday.
It wasn't even Shawn who spoiled my birthday.

It was ME!!  I was the one who was spoiling my birthday!

I ended up eating dinner with just the kids on the deck.  It was a beautiful, golden evening with a light breeze.  Perfect Colorado weather. 

So I got up and sat in a ray of sun that was shining across the grass.  The perfect angle to warm your back. 

Lily followed me and I told her, "Mommy just want to sit on the grass.  No talking, okay?"  She snuggled in and put her head on my shoulder and asked, "Are you sad?  About Daddy?"  I nodded and then we sat there and quietly cried together.  A few moments later Lennon sat on my other side and quietly hugged me.

And then one of the dogs started barking next door.  We laughed and got up to go visit and get some of those healing dog kisses.

The kids wanted to stay outside.  I went in to find R.

And then I found it within me to ask for what I needed. 

Despite me vacillating between shouting that I didn't want to have a damn cake and that we should throw it in the garbage then crying that we HAD to do the cake that night because I "wanted to get it over with" and if we didn't "it would mean Shawn won"...

I asked Robin if she would go in the kitchen, with the kids, get the cake ready and then call me in so I could feel special. 

I laid on the bed and read until Lily came tiptoeing in.  I was calm in a way had not been all day.

Everyone sang.  I blew out the candles.  My smile was genuine.

They all formed a circle around me, said something about me that they were thankful for and then they gave me a group hug.

Happy Birthday to Me!