A Riddle

So here's a riddle for you...

I received the requested copy of Shawn's autopsy from the coroner today.  I had decided it was TIME.

I have spent many sleepless nights with vivid images in my head....trying to understand.  What was Shawn doing in the final hours?  Was he crying?  Was he numb?  Was he standing up when he did it?  Did he kneel down?  Was he sitting?  Did he sit there and think about it for a long time or did he do it without hesitation?  What did the wound look like?  Did he die instantly or was there a moment of awareness that he had pulled the trigger?

It's been terrible but, I've learned, something that is quite common for someone who has lost a loved one to suicide.  Why it matters, I can't tell you.  But it seems to.

So, here's the riddle...

Why is it, after reading the autopsy report, that it disgusts me to read what I wrote in the last posting?

It's not a feeling of anger.  It's disgust.  I want to look away when I see that posting on my screen.