It's been interesting to see some shifting of my state-of-mind after writing on this blog.
Perhaps I had been stuck in the anger and disbelief area of grieving? It seems that way to me.
I've noticed myself feeling more compassionate towards Shawn in the past few weeks coupled with a sadness that he isn't here to watch his children grow into these amazing individuals.
I still haven't decided what to do about my birthday...
Do I celebrate that day with a cake and all the normal things I do with my family? Is this my way of proving that Shawn didn't achieve what he had hoped for - to forever taint my birthday with his violent death? And have no doubt, this was his intention.
There's a part of me that really doesn't care about celebrating my birthday anymore. Maybe Shawn's death made me realize that each day is just another day that can bring joy, sadness or any of the other host of human emotions and to put so much weight on a single day takes away from the importance of truly living each day fully?
And there is probably some of the fear of the unknown. How will we all feel that day? Will hearing people sing Happy Birthday simply bring back memories of putting on a happy face and smiling last year while knowing deep inside that it was only a matter of time before I got the terrible, official news?
Next week is NewWestFest in Fort Collins - it celebrates the birthday of the City and is a street fair with music and fun. I look forward to the festival every year - especially because it falls around my birthday and marks the end of the summer.
I had this thought over the weekend to just tell my family that from now on I would like to celebrate my birthday the Sunday of NewWestFest by going downtown together.
Can people do that? Can people change their birthday?
And then what do we do on the real day? Do we ignore it?
Do we just let that day become Shawn's??
I know Lily has been thinking about this because she has asked me over and over in the past few months, "What are you going to do for your birthday?"
So what do I do, do I own "my day" or do I celebrate in advance? Or do I postpone and celebrate with Lennon on September 19th?
Seriously, what do you think I should do???
3 comments:
Dang, Jennifer...what a difficult decision! Do you have a strong feeling either way? I tend to do really low key birthdays, we don't do big celebrations, but I always get time to myself, to do what *I* want to do, which is usually going for some solo time, celebrating me in my own way. :) Often the cake isn't even made on my birthday, if at all. Sometimes all I really want is a birthday margarita instead.
It *is* your day, but as we approach the 18th anniversary of my brother's suicide, it's still a day that we relate to pain and grief, and your family is bound to have those feelings around your birthday. Have you talked with the kids about what they would feel good about? I don't mean to discount your feelings at all, but we are SO with you on really feeling the essence of the love and joy, celebrating each other often, so the significance of a birth DATE isn't as important to us as celebrating the person on *A* day. Maybe it would feel good to celebrate on a day a bit before, to allow for the inevitable feelings the anniversary will bring up...?
Sending you a hug.
~Tiff
I'd celebrate. It is your birthday and every year on your birthday for this many years you have celebrated. If you feel the need to drag Shawn into it, celebrate his life, not his death. Otherwise, leave him out and celebrate your birthday as a special day for you.
Jennifer, I'm glad I found my way to your blog and thank you for sharing your story. Writing is healing as I can attest to.
As for your birthday, only you can decide what is right for you and your children. For me, my children and I do something small on my husband's death anniversary to commemorate his life, something like throwing pebbles into the sea and saying out loud some of the things we are grateful for. I have never really been big into birthdays, but if I was you (which I'm not) I would still celebrate my birthday. In doing this you will be honoring yourself and not letting anyone else take something away from you. Also, seeing as you are so honest with your children, I would talk to them about their feelings. The first anniversary is always the most difficult. Perhaps you can create a small ritual for the kid's sake. He was their father and no matter what he did, nothing will change that. The ritual could be 5 minutes in the morning and then it's over and the rest of the day is yours.
I hope that you find something that feels right for you. I think you will.
love Leila x
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