August 28, 2012

August 28, 2012 - 7:26pm MST

My anxiety level is rising unexpectedly.

Interestingly, I wasn't consciously thinking of this time last year but, after working so hard over the past 5 years to be in touch with how I am feeling emotionally at any given moment, I recognized the physical symptoms of the anxiety and had to stop and think, "What is going on?  Why am I feeling anxious?"

Oh, yeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh....

That's right.

I shouldn't be surprised that those thoughts are running in the background like some sort of computer spybot.

It's not helping that the kids Grandfather, my Mom's husband of 25+ years and a man who is much more than a "step-father" to me is in the hospital suffering from the effects of chemo.

The superstitious part of me fears that something will go terribly wrong and that we will lose him on my birthday.

Only because I have learned to fear the worst in life.  It doesn't take a therapist to figure out I learned that coping mechanism to protect myself.  When the bad things happen I am not shocked by them because I have usually imagined something as terrible (but of course never the exact thing).

Still, I am stricken with this fear of loss right now.  It's with me every day but very intensified right now.

I suppose, as much as I've tried to prepare myself intellectually for the host of emotions I will be feeling in the next 48 hours, they will be wholly unexpected in how they manifest themselves.

And, it's not just me to think about...

Lennon - He is silent on the matter of it being the anniversary of his Dad's death.  My guess is he is dreading what he expects to be a house of grouchy and depressed people.  I haven't tried to engage him in how he might be feeling because, for him, it is most comfortable to talk about his Dad on an intellectual level, share happy memories while occasionally acknowledging times when Daddy was "angry" and try to stay out of the thick of the girl's grief.  I did notice him come downstairs wearing his Dad's baseball cap and sunglasses this morning.  I think he is honoring in his own silent way.

Lily - Sweet Lily.  She was sad last night and said she didn't think it was "because of Daddy" but she didn't know why she felt that way and wondered "what she could do about it".  We got up at sunrise this morning and went for a walk together, we petted a Welsh Corgi puppy and cuddled on the front step.  Tonight she said she was sad because it will be a year tomorrow.  We talked about how, even though we will have sad feelings tomorrow, it is my birthday and it is important for me to spend it with my family doing happy things.  We talked about honoring her Dad's memory, not by remembering this sad thing he did but by remembering his good.  I told her I had been thinking today about nice things he had done on my birthday.  I also shared with her that I had been writing a lot about her Dad and that I thought I could forgive him.  She talked about how sometimes she thinks she can forgive him and sometimes she thinks she can't.  Such a mature wonderful girl!  She amazes me with her capacity to ponder life.

Shawn's Parents - I'm going to guess that tomorrow will be brutal for them.  I don't believe they have had any professional help or support from other suicide survivors.  They don't ask about the kids grieving and they don't talk about theirs.

Shawn's Sister - Unknown.  This is a woman who was able to read a very clinical history of her brother's life at the funeral without even a quaver in her voice.  Very stoic.  A lot invested in keeping it together.

Amber - she told me she had decided to consider August 28th his date of death, regardless of what the death certificate said, because that was the last time she saw him - and maybe because she doesn't want to acknowledge that he chose my birthday as the day to die.  At any rate, she texted me yesterday to see how I was doing and was talking as if yesterday, the 27th, was the day he had died.  Perplexing as to why she is off two days now but I honor her need to grieve his loss on whatever day is right for her.  She said she is replaying all of the events as if they are a bad movie.

Shawn's Friends - Unknown.  They have not reached out to me even though we were mutual friends while Shawn and I were married.  Maybe they blame his death on me...maybe they think if I hadn't "left" Shawn he would have never done this.  This hurts but I haven't spent an inordinate amount of time dwelling on this situation.  I would like it if they reached out to me someday, though.

Who else?  Who else will be remembering Shawn tomorrow?