"Was it a good idea for me to look at Shawn's autopsy report?".
My answer is, "I don't think I had any choice".
Does that make sense?
Knowing it was out there and that it could answer some of the questions that have kept me up at night made it a given, in my mind, that I would eventually have to read it.
And, yes, it did give answers to many things.
Some of the information I had heard third hand. Amber told her Mother, who told my Mother, who told me. Interestingly, Lily told me a couple of things recently that Amber had shared with her. And many of the final details were filled in yesterday.
On August 23, 2011 Shawn sent an email to friends, family and customers notifying them of the closing of the bicycle shop that had been his dream and his passion for 13 years.
On August 27th Shawn started his new job at a large outdoor retailer. He went from being a business owner to a new employee that day.
In the late afternoon of August 28th, Shawn initiated an argument with Amber. He threatened to leave her, said the kids were the most important thing in the world to him, and then stormed out of the house with the final words, "I'm outta here". He then drove 23 miles up the Buckhorn Canyon - his favorite outdoor spot - to Forest Service Road 100.
From here we have to make some guesses as to what happened based on what I know of Shawn, the "dress rehearsal" he did at least twice during our marriage, and the evidence that was left.
We can deduce that he stopped enroute and purchased a large bottle of Jack Daniels whiskey. No one told me this but I know it couldn't have been anything other than Jack Daniels. His B.A.C. was .221 at the time of his death.
This level of intoxication was pretty standard Shawn levels every single night of our marriage however he had not had a sip of alcohol in 4 years. Knowing Shawn as well as I did I can guarantee that he was very calculated with how how much he drank and that he made sure he didn't drink so much that he passed out before doing what he had come to do. He always was that type of alcoholic - very regimented.
Maybe he sat in his truck for awhile staring at the bottle of whiskey. He had told me after he got sober in 2007 that he would "rather die than drink again".
He must have sat in his truck drinking and, most likely, listening to music for a few hours. I doubt he cried. He was stoic like that.
He wrote "pages of suicide notes" - filled with anger and vitriol - which he left on the front seat.
He also "wrote several goodbye text messages to his friends and wife". (My understanding is that no one received these text messages until after they had already learned of his death. When his body was recovered and he and his phone were brought out of the mountains and into cell phone range they automatically went through to people's phones).
"At some point he left his vehicle and walked two miles to the White Pine saddleback wilderness area, sat on a log and shot himself". The date of death was "the early morning hours of August 29, 2011".
The autopsy report describes a man who was physically healthy in every way other than the bullet that passed from his right temple all the way through his left temple.
The death certificate, which I had seen just a few days after the funeral, stated the time from "onset to death" was "minutes".
I had spent a lot of time dwelling on these so-called "minutes" and had envisioned him laying there on the ground with some sort of consciousness of what he had done. I was never sure whether it was good or bad if there had been the awareness of "I just shot myself in the head" - I just felt the need to know.
After reading the details from the autopsy, I can now be sure that his death was instant.
And here are some new or surprising things I learned:
- There was no marijuana in his system. I had never known a Shawn who did not smoke marijuana. He smoked from the moment he woke up until the moment he went to bed the entire time I knew him. I had heard that Amber had insisted he quit smoking pot but I, honestly, never believed he had done that or would do that - especially after having to give up alcohol.
- The only drug in his system other than alcohol was an epilepsy drug that is commonly used to treat individuals with Bi-Polar Disorder. He was trying to get better.
There is not a single part of me that believes he was Bi-Polar. He had Major Depressive Disorder coupled with Naricissistic Personality Disorder as well as years of damage to his brain from nightly black-out drinking and marijuana consumption. Maybe there was a medication that could have helped. Maybe ECT could have helped.
I have spent many hours angry at him for NOT getting help, not admitting he needed help, and for being too egotistical to admit anything.
It is hard to realize that he was trying to get help. He did want to get better.
