Dreams

What is the meaning of a dream?

Lily tells me that she believes that when her Daddy is in her dreams it is him communicating with her and letting her know he is sorry and he didn't mean to hurt her.

I don't subscribe to this theory but I'm glad that he is "telling" her positive things rather than what he is "telling" me in my dreams.

In my dreams Shawn is scary.  For one thing...he isn't supposed to be there.  He's dead. 

He is, isn't he??

There are some variations on the dream but they are never happy.

When he first died he would appear in my dreams and want to see the kids.  In this dream I am horrified and scared for them.  His anger and sickness are palpable and my fear is that they will be confused and hurt even more than they have been while processing his death.  And then my dreaming mind starts to think, "How can you be alive?"  And I start trying to get a glimpse at the side of his head looking for the bullet hole.  And sometimes I can see it...just a gaping hole through the side of his head as he insists on seeing the kids.

Lately he is just a threatening presence in my dreams.  Angry.  Sullen.  Refusing to talk.  Until he says something so caustic and scary like, "I should have shot you in the head."

I am a spiritual agnostic.  I do not believe in Heaven or Hell.  I don't believe in ghosts.  I do believe we have a soul and an energy that survives the death of our bodies.

Is this really what he wants to "communicate" with me?  Could it be that his spirit is still angry at me?  Did he keep his hatred of me after he died?

This is why I am somewhat speechless when Lily talks about her belief in dreams and her Daddy apologizing in them. I don't want her to know what he is saying in my dreams and I don't want to take away the comfort she is getting from believing.  And yet, I have to hold on to my belief that dreaming of someone who died is simply your brain trying to process your own personal fears and feelings. 

It is just too scary to think otherwise.