The Good that Resides Within

There was something that weighed on my mind for months after Shawn died that I couldn't put my fingers on...

There were the normal expected emotions but this one had to do with the unsolvable riddle of "why did he do it?"

And then one day I realized this...although it had been many years since I had been able to access the the young man I feel in love with - the one who loved nature and animals, riding his bicycle and who had a sense of justice in the world - I still believed that this person resided within him.

It turns out this person was lost to him, too.  And that must be a pretty dark place when you can't access the things that make you who you are and that all that is left is an emptiness.

So today, my friends, I want to share something I wrote to Shawn on Thanksgiving Day in 2006.  We had been struggling with his drinking, his anger and his suicidal ideations for several years at this point.  We had been talking about ending our marriage.  I wanted him to know he was a good person despite his struggles. 

When I read these things now they still ring so true for me.  These were the things that were quintessentially Shawn and all the good that resided within him.

Dear Shawn,

On this day of giving thanks I want to share with you…

Things I admire about you…

• Your humor – even in times of stress you can make me laugh.  And you are original, too!  Not just parroting what someone else has already said.
• Your open minded view of the world
• Your love of a variety of music and that you have freely shared it with me
• Your constant desire to further educate yourself on many topics and grow
• The passion you have for your business
• The open affection you show for our children
• That you can let loose and be silly with our children
• That you are a phenomenal cook – and amaze me with your ability to have a meal be completed to an exact minute
• The pride you take in your physical fitness
• Your willingness to challenge yourself on a bicycle and in life in general – your ride in the Laramie Enduro has been an inspiration to me many times
• That you take pride in keeping our house looking nice
• That you are kind and friendly to my Mom and my friends
• That you do (and provide encouragement for me to do) things to help me better myself – like making time to exercise, allowing me time with my friends
• That you shared your love of cycling with me - and built me bicycles that are faster, lighter, stronger – better than most people could hope to ride
• That you are careful with your belongings and never seem to lose or break anything
• Your love of dogs (even one as annoying as Sydney!)
• Your ability to make conversation with almost anyone
• You appreciation for the world and its beauty and your love of spending time outside loving it
• Your ability to live in the moment – not dwell on the past or worry about the future

Thank you for being YOU!  It was the real Shawn that you presented at my door so many years ago.  No pretenses, no lies, no games.  I want to work on us – not for our kids, not for our business, not because of the complications, not because of the time invested.  I want to show you every day my respect for you, Shawn Brooks, my husband.

Let’s work together.

Love,

Jennifer

Dear Former Husband

I am writing to you here because it would be pointless to try to communicate these things to you in real life. Were you a rational person I might give it a go but, having tried so many times for so many years, I already know that you reside on a different planet and there is no space shuttle that could seem to bridge the gap!

First of all...I am still probably really mad at you but I haven't allowed myself to "go there" because, again, what would be the point? I am SO incredibly happy to be free of you, your rules, and your judgments that I have figured why dwell on the past?

Yet I still have to deal with you now because of the kids and I have, and will continue to, be positive with them about how much their Daddy loves them and validate their love for you.

My therapist tells me the reason why I have dreams where I'm really angry at you is because I AM but because I refuse to acknowledge this while I'm awake it has to come out somehow.

So...now is my chance to tell you a few things...
The funny thing is that even though you've been sober for around 18 months - you're still the same manipulative, bitter person you always were. Everyone else is screwing you and taking advantage of you. You are smarter than everyone else. Your rules are better than how everyone else does things. Everyone else is stupid and should be punished if they don't follow your rules or EVEN WORSE if you have to do something you don't want to do.

I think the point I'm trying to make here is that, YES I am angry. I don't like you. Your opinions of me are unwelcome and unacceptable.

I will continue to keep to myself all of the terrible things you did and not bring them up with you, nor share them with your supporters (Mom and Dad and the fiance). Believe it or not, even your friends can see through you. They think it's really strange that you became engaged to and moved into your daughter's Kindergarten teacher's house within 2 months of your first date. Did you bother to tell your fiance or your parents WHY YOU HAD ONLY ONE overnight/week in the Parenting Plan? It's not because I'm a bitch - it's because you passed out repeatedly while they were in your care and because you were emotionally abusive to them while drinking (remember the line about how you were going to "grab my cat by his fucking tail and slam his skull into the concrete?" - did you share that one with your fiance and her two cats).

People have known your business was going to fail from the minute I was out of the picture and you opened up in the most expensive location in town with no real plan other than to "sell a lot".

Even though you continue to minimize what I did for your business, your clients, your friends, your family all know that it was ME and my skills that made your business what it was. Without me you would have been some guy wrenching in his garage. You telling me that the things on my resume were "overstated" and that they were "between me and my employer" hurt me alot. Again. But I have been working on it, figuring out why it was I still thought that I would get approval from you or why I needed it. I guess maybe it would have been some sort of apology to hear that you valued what I had done? Silly, huh?

Speaking of which, can I also mention that everyone who hears that you kept my bike thinks it is about the shittiest thing? They don't know the half of it!

Let's see...what else is there...I know there must be more inside...

Oh, yeah, your suicide note to me...the one that you saved somewhere and kept secret from me for 5 years - only to give it to me with a fresh addendum as our divorce unfolded. You remember that one? The one titled "The Top 10 Reasons to Blow My Fucking Head Off" - I've mentioned in there a few times.

In turns out I was the #1 reason. And, of course, let's not forget the line - "Hope finding my headless corpse doesn't fuck you up too bad, bitch!"

Maybe it would have fucked me up less than spending the next 5 years of my life living with someone who:
*  Resumed drinking, drank to the point of blacking/passing out EVERY SINGLE NIGHT (kind of hard to feel like having sex with someone who was laying on the carpet with drool running out of his mouth the night before)
*  Had me cowering in fear that his anger was going to snap at some point and he was going to stab me (for some reason I always thought that's what it would be).

You're really quite a winner!

Do you remember when we first worked together? You were always so sarcastic that I asked one day, "Do you hate me or are you always like this?" - well it turns out after 15 years it was both! You did hate me and you are always like that. Of course, at 20 years old I thought, "Gee. This guy acts like he hates me but says he doesn't. I think I should marry him!" Guess I'm not so smart either.

Let me flip through my mental rolodex here - we had had a lot of years together...I know there are other things I am angry about.


Oh yeah, you telling me a year before the divorce finally happened that even the first year we were married that you used to stay late at work because you dreaded coming home to me. Why didn't you just leave then? I was 22! I could have done something totally different with my life other than giving you my inheritance and sacrificing my career for your business and subjecting myself to emotional abuse.


Other "deal breakers" other than those listed above (passing out with the kids in your care being a big one)...
The big scene you caused in front of the kids when I asked you to spend the night at a friends house because when I asked you, "Would you ever hurt me?" you replied, "Why would I fuck up my life like that?". Remember that one, where the kids and I were crying, you almost pulled my arm out of its' socket, and then you drove off so drunk you were about to pass out after threatening to drive yourself into the reservoir? Yeah, that was a deal breaker.


And the funny thing is that this happened a full year before the divorce. I called your Dad and your Sister and all your friends. I finally had to tell them you had been drinking about 16 drinks every night and that you had been suicidal for a long time. I thought they would help you. And us. But they couldn't. And they don't seem to remember this now - and of course, anyway, you were only like that because I was such a horrible bitch.

Well...I'm getting really tired of writing this. It's all pretty boring to me now. I've been thinking about and/or supressing all of this stuff for so long and I'm really not interested in continuing to let it bother me.

As I said, Former Husband, your opinions and judgments of me are unwelcome. I choose to air your "dirty laundry" here because only 4 people who also know you even know of the existence of this blog. Everyone else in your life will eventually figure you out and see you for who you are, as will your children, I don't need to help them get to that point by telling them what you did to me.

Signed,
Your Former Wife Who Quit Trying to Please You 2 Years Ago but Who Should have Quit Trying 15 Years Ago.

Just a Ring

Someone I trusted stood in this room and looked me blankly in the eyes.

I told him how crushed I was when he asked me to put my ring back on when nothing had changed.

And there was no connection. Just blankness.

I trusted him.

I thought he loved me.

And he loved me as much as an alcoholic can when they are approaching the end stage of their disease.

I can feel him here right now. Looking at me. The way he did that day.

And the way he looks at me now.

I do get scared.

I was very scared with him.

How did I let myself get in that spot?

How did I not see it coming?

He told me he loved me.

He told me he hated me.

He told me we had nothing in common.

And that we should have realized it years ago.

And that he regrets having children with me.

That is hate.

Despising.

How do you live with someone who despises you?

Who can find nothing redeeming in you?

Release the grief.

The pain and sadness of being hated.

And now what?