Who says you can't take it with you?

One of the more interesting things that has happened as a result of Shawn's death is that I ended up with a new friend.

During the two years Shawn was married to Amber there was a great deal of resentment and anger flowing from their household.  It was little things like, "Your Mom can't see our new puppy when she picks you up because he is part of 'our side of the family'" and bigger things like, "Your Mommy is a liar and spreads rumors".

I always told the L's I was so sorry that they were put in the middle of grown-up issues.  I made it clear that their Daddy and Amber loved them very much and that they never had to choose between loving me or them - it was okay for them to love all their parents!  I am proud to say I never took the bait and spoke ill of Shawn or Amber - I knew it would only hurt the kids.

At first I thought the vitriol directed at me was a result of Shawn painting me as a horrible witch to his new wife.   But as the resentment got worse and worse from that household I started to suspect things were not going well there.  If they were happy newlyweds I knew they would not be so focused on me.

The day after Shawn died I spent several hours on the phone with Amber.  And I learned many things...

The biggest one was that the nightmare she had been living - at least for the last few months of Shawn's life - was the same as what I lived through the last 5 years with Shawn.  She, too, had come to fear for her life.  I had convinced myself after the divorce that my fears of Shawn killing me were solely in my head and a direct result of my own crummy childhood.  And suddenly she was describing the seething rage.  The cold, blank, emotionless stares.  It hadn't been just in my head.

She told me of how she, too, had tried to get him help...found counselors for him to see (that he dismissed as idiots or lied to about the true state of his feelings).  She even got him to try medication - something I had never been successful at (since he was drinking during my time with him he always claimed he had a medication that worked really well - it was called "alcohol").

She told me that he had been incredibly checked out from the kids for quite awhile and would just go sit off by himself and stare into space when they were there.  She had insisted on him interacting with them - told him they had come to see him not her - but it was always a struggle.

And she told me about how Shawn had always compared her to me - both my good and bad qualities, ultimately always putting her in an unfavorable light - either by saying, "Jennifer used to do this or that and you DON'T" or "Jennifer always used to do this or that and you women are ALL ALIKE". 

These were the reasons she had been so hateful towards me.

And I was able to forgive her in an instant.  I understood.

Even though I hadn't reacted to the stresses in my marriage with the same coping mechanisms as she did - we had a shared experience.

At the funeral we all sat together in the front row.  Amber, me, the L's and R.

The kids needed us to be united.  They couldn't have any more hatred in their lives.

It was almost as if we all wanted Shawn to have taken all of the anger and hatred with him.