There were the normal expected emotions but this one had to do with the unsolvable riddle of "why did he do it?"
And then one day I realized this...although it had been many years since I had been able to access the the young man I feel in love with - the one who loved nature and animals, riding his bicycle and who had a sense of justice in the world - I still believed that this person resided within him.
It turns out this person was lost to him, too. And that must be a pretty dark place when you can't access the things that make you who you are and that all that is left is an emptiness.
So today, my friends, I want to share something I wrote to Shawn on Thanksgiving Day in 2006. We had been struggling with his drinking, his anger and his suicidal ideations for several years at this point. We had been talking about ending our marriage. I wanted him to know he was a good person despite his struggles.
When I read these things now they still ring so true for me. These were the things that were quintessentially Shawn and all the good that resided within him.
Dear Shawn,
On this day of giving thanks I want to share with you…
It turns out this person was lost to him, too. And that must be a pretty dark place when you can't access the things that make you who you are and that all that is left is an emptiness.
So today, my friends, I want to share something I wrote to Shawn on Thanksgiving Day in 2006. We had been struggling with his drinking, his anger and his suicidal ideations for several years at this point. We had been talking about ending our marriage. I wanted him to know he was a good person despite his struggles.
When I read these things now they still ring so true for me. These were the things that were quintessentially Shawn and all the good that resided within him.
Dear Shawn,
On this day of giving thanks I want to share with you…
Things I admire about you…
- Your humor – even in times of stress you can make me laugh. And you are original, too! Not just parroting what someone else has already said.
- Your open minded view of the world
- Your love of a variety of music and that you have freely shared it with me
- Your constant desire to further educate yourself on many topics and grow
- The passion you have for your business
- The open affection you show for our children
- That you can let loose and be silly with our children
- That you are a phenomenal cook – and amaze me with your ability to have a meal be completed to an exact minute
- The pride you take in your physical fitness
- Your willingness to challenge yourself on a bicycle and in life in general – your ride in the Laramie Enduro has been an inspiration to me many times
- That you take pride in keeping our house looking nice
- That you are kind and friendly to my Mom and my friends
- That you do (and provide encouragement for me to do) things to help me better myself – like making time to exercise, allowing me time with my friends
- That you shared your love of cycling with me - and built me bicycles that are faster, lighter, stronger – better than most people could hope to ride
- That you are careful with your belongings and never seem to lose or break anything
- Your love of dogs (even one as annoying as Sydney!)
- Your ability to make conversation with almost anyone
- You appreciation for the world and its beauty and your love of spending time outside loving it
- Your ability to live in the moment – not dwell on the past or worry about the future
Thank you for being YOU! It was the real Shawn that you presented at my door so many years ago. No pretenses, no lies, no games. I want to work on us – not for our kids, not for our business, not because of the complications, not because of the time invested. I want to show you every day my respect for you, Shawn Brooks, my husband.
Let’s work together.
Love,
Jennifer
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