Weakness

"Jenny, are you sure you don't have any money? Check your pockets again."

I check again even though I know for sure there is nothing there.

We're walking to Des Moines right now. That's what Mommy told me when she finally arrived at the nursing home two hours late. I knew something was wrong as soon as she was late. This morning she dropped me off to visit Lily, the 94 year old neighbor who used to babysit me until she moved to the nursing home.

I was waiting in the lobby for her when she arrived on foot to get me. All I could think of was to get out of the building and away from the worried and pitying stares of the staff. I hate them.

She didn't tell me what happened but I can put things together pretty well by now.

There was a small incident that set him off. He escalated to the point where she had to run out the door - afraid. There was no chance to get her purse or the keys to the car. She just had to run.

Did you check all the way deep in your front pockets, Jenny? Are you sure you don't have a dime?

I check again for her. She has already walked across town to get me and now she tells me we are walking all the way to her work in Des Moines. I am skeptical of this from the start. I don't see how we can possibly walk this far. It takes a long time to get there by car. She wants to make a phone call but neither of us has even a dime for a payphone.

We've been walking along the highway for quite awhile now.

"Jenny. This isn't going to work. You can't walk fast enough - we won't get there before dark."

So now we've turned back towards Norwalk. I don't know where we're going. I'm not sure if she knows.

"If I could just borrow a car for the night. It's really no big deal - just a disagreement."

The phone rings at the Waltzes house. It is Daddy asking if they have seen us. We don't know the Waltzes that well - their daughter has babysat me, the husband likes to tinker with engines. They say, "No." they haven't seen us. I think they realize the urgency now and they are going to let us borrow their son's VW bug for the night.

Sitting now in the VW I am filled with a sense of physical relief. I don't think I've ever walked so far in my life. My legs hurt.

I'm excited now, too. It feels like an adventure now. It is just the two of us. We are going to spend the night at the pre-school my Mom directs. She says we will sleep in the cubbies with big pillows and I will be able to play with any of the toys I want - that we will play together.

There is also a sense of hope. Maybe we won't be going back this time. This time seems like it was really bad. Maybe it will be just the two of us from now on.

"Glenn. It's me. We're in Des Moines."

Stupid! No! Why is she calling him?? Why?

I can see what's coming.

"I know. Okay. I'm sorry. Okay, we'll come home tonight. We'll be leaving in a few minutes"

So that's it. We're not spending the night. We're not sleeping in the cubbies and playing with the toys together. We're going home to him again.

We walked all that way for nothing. We went through all this for nothing.

She didn't even teach him a lesson.

We're driving in the little Bug that seemed so exciting before and we're going home.

I am so angry.

She is weak.

I hate weak.

I am not weak.