The fact that I've been quiet here means a few different things...and it's not just because I've been too busy.
I have been feeling so overwhelmed by my emotions and the enormity of all the crap I have to work on that I have found myself unable to be very introspective about what I am feeling.
I have had WAY too many times in the past few weeks when I have found myself in a very child-like mode emotionally. This, of course, means I have been very difficult to live with and just want to shut down/run away to a place where I can be by myself so at least there is an explanation for why I feel so lonely inside.
Sometimes when you feel so alone you just want to be alone.
There may also be an element of not wanting anyone who cares about me to see how **cked up I really am inside.
Ugh!
I feel as if I've spent the past 5 years - or maybe my whole life - fooling myself into thinking I'm really okay inside...believing that the trauma I've experienced in life didn't impact me...that I am stronger than all that. I want so badly to believe that everyone has bad things happen and that mine are not worthy of being traumatized.
But when I get in these modes I start to make a laundry list of my life and it seems pretty bad...and then I feel stupid for fooling myself.
So maybe I've been quiet in my writing because I want to prove to myself I am alone?
1 comment:
I think you and I have discussed this before but if not, have you ever been to an Al-anon meeting? I think it could help you tremendously. Also, alateen for the kids.
((Hugs))
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