Always on Our Minds

I've noticed that there is this undercurrent of Shawn present in almost every moment of the day.

I guess maybe he would have liked that.  In his sickness.

It seems to be the same for Lily.

And, of course, when it's right there below the surface it can easily be dug up by the smallest thing.

Like tonight when Lily looked at the catsup on the meatloaf and laughed and said, "It looks like blood".

And then she got all serious and said, "Was Daddy bleeding when they found him?"

"Yes, Sweetie, he was."

"Was he bleeding a lot?"

"Yes, I think he was."

"Where did he shoot himself?  Did he shoot himself in the heart?"

Pause...dinner is about to go on the table...she is only 9...she has spent the past year believing he shot himself in the heart (that would make sense if someone was sad, right?)...there is time to learn details when she is older.  I read the death certificate and I know the truth.  He shot himself in the right temple with a 9mm handgun.

"I don't know for sure, Sweetie."