How Are You?

Okay, so I admit, I was what I call, "Muchas Grouchias" yesterday. It is the antithesis of Muchas Gracias. It is when all humans are grating and I really wish to be left alone.

I realized yesterday that, although I perceive myself as a nice and friendly person, the rest of the World may not always see me as such because I don't fit their mold.

I crave deep and meaningful conversations and will invest a great deal of effort in them. I am a person who finds idle chit-chat very difficult to tolerate.

For example, when I am at work I am there to...work. Pleasantries in the hallway I am fine with and I thought I handled them politely and in a friendly manner.

Co-Worker: Hi. How are you?
Me: Good, thank you. [Said with a pleasant smile as I pass by]

I have realized that maybe the right thing to do would be to say, "Good. How are you?"

But here's the problem I identified as I thought about it more.

These people are not asking how I am because they really want to hear.

They have the expectation that the reply is going to be, "Good, great, super, fine, OK" and I think that this obligation to be "good" is what irritates me about the question.



What if I stopped and replied, "Well, now that you ask, I have a headache and really bad cramps today and my ex-husband is a complete jackass, I'm worried about my daughter because yesterday she made a mistake and became hysterical crying, "I hate myself", my son seems to have an inordinately hard time apologizing and I don't know how to help him learn the value of an apology (something his father has never learned). I'm really bummed out because it is only October 8th and it is snowing and I'm feeling kind of down because I can't bring the guest I want to bring to my office party because of the ramifications and..."

Oh, wait, I'm sorry...you just wanted me to say everything was great!

Oh, I'm sorry, I was supposed to ask how you are, now - even though you probably aren't interested in sharing all of your problems with me. And if I'm being brutally honest I really am not that interested in hearing about your problems).

Why can't we just leave it at "Hello" and a smile and go on with our lives and work days/gym workout/grocery shopping, etc.?

Why do you force me to be fake with my answer?

Or what if I happen to be having a great day?

Do you really want to hear my brag about how happy I am to have my freedom, a job I love, two incredibly smart kids, and the holidays to look forward to? Would that make me look like an insensitive person if I am happy when you may not be?

So...this is my problem. It is who I am. I value close friendships and will open and expose myself on a very deep level. The therapist I saw a number of years ago tried to convince me that people need lots of different types of friends...he said they need friends who they can tell anything and they need friends that they can just go for a bike ride with, etc. I still don't get this. I would rather be with close friends or be by myself. I like being by myself and I like having deep friendships. I don't like to invest a lot of time with people I can't be real with.

I debate whether I should make more effort or just accept that I am not the same as the average person who seems to be able to chit-chat with others easily.

Dear Former Husband (Part 568)

I am writing to you here again because YOU JUST DON'T GET IT! We are no longer married. I do not care what you think of me. Your opinions of me hold no more power over me. You cannot control me.

I know that you feel out of control in every area of your life and you keep coming back to the one thing that you could control so well for 15 years in a vain effort to regain that feeling.

But as I told you before, even though you have not changed in the past two years - I HAVE!

What part of

"I certainly support endeavors to help [our son] make friends however, other than [unnamed friend], I haven't heard him talk about playing with any of the other boys from Cub Scouts at recess last year, etc and/or asking to have play dates with any of the boys from Cub Scouts. If you are willing to make the time commitment again this year I certainly support that and can, on occasion, take him to Cub Scout activities but I do think there might be other activities to commit time and money to that would achieve the same goals.

did you not understand? Did I not make it clear enough that if you decided to do Cub Scouts again this year that you would be the one doing to bulk of the meetings?

Here's the thing:
Cub Scouts has meetings twice per week that require the parents to attend and be actively involved - I would have to get a babysitter for our daughter and pay for that out of my pocket. I would have to rush home from work, cram fast food in everyone, and then rush to a meeting. I would then get home after everyone's bed time which would mean a cranky morning for everyone and lower school performance. My idea of quality time and being an "involved parent" entails me picking up the kids on Tuesday or Thursday, cooking dinner with them (yes, I ALLOW them in the kitchen because I am not a control freak about meals and I want them to learn and I enjoy it), hanging out in the backyard and giving ourselves a full hour to get ready for bed and read stories with everyone tucked in by 8:30.

I am a single parent. I am the only one in charge of all of the things it takes to run a household (nothing new to me, actually -that's how it always was). I have to get everything ready for the next morning after the kids are in bed. I know that you rushed your daughter's kindergarten teacher into marriage after a 7 week courtship so you didn't have to do things yourself but I am the one who does everything at my house. There is no one to stay home with the other child while I go and do flag duty and no one to cook and clean and get things ready for the next day during that time.

On top of that, I'm really not a big supporter of the Cub Scouts. I see it as a quasi-militaristic, homophobic, religious organization. Now I am an ardent supporter of our armed services but I also don't relish the idea of exposing my kid to more of the drill-sergeant mentality than he already gets from you. And you know that one of my best friends in the world was murdered simply because he was gay. And I'm an agnostic (and you're an atheist).

But really, the point isn't the Scouting thing - the point is that I made it clear that I set the boundary and said I would not make the time commitment but that I would help out on occasion.

I didn't react to your first e-mail where you sent me the schedule showing all the meetings on Tuesdays and Thursdays and talking about finding a "fair way to share the responsibility" (meaning I take it on). I replied and gave you specific dates I would attend - it was one meeting a month which I thought was generous considering I will also be taking them to swimming lessons every Sunday for the foreseeable future.

When your wrote again about how you thought I should do these meetings because they are my "nights" I reminded you of the original e-mail stating that I would help out on occasion and would support you and Lennon if you wanted to do these activities.

And I didn't even react to this e-mail reply from you...

• I had expressed my reservations to committing to Cub Scouts and was ready to pull the plug on it until [our son] was so excited about doing it. He said to me again tonight that he wants to do all the meetings and not let it fizzle out in the spring like what happened last year. I did not decide to do Cub Scouts, [our son] did.
  
  The decision that was made on my end was that I will not take over your share of the time commitment, so I think that tough conversation will have to come from you, not me.
  
  I have a feeling this means that [our son] won't get to do cub scouts and that makes me sad for him, but I won't be bullied into taking on your responsibilities. Lots of things the children are interested in will be difficult for us, but this is our job. This is what good parents do. They support their children in THEIR interests.

So - let's see...you're going to pull out the "Bad Mom" accusations because I did not do what you wanted?? You feel bullied into taking on my responsibilities?? I am not a good parent?? I am only interested in MY interests not the kids??

Really? I could say lots of bad things about you but I have never, not once, accused you of being a "bad dad" - in fact I've told you, the kids teachers, co-workers, etc. that you are a good dad and that you care very much about the children. I disagree with your lecturing, rigid rules, ridicule, etc that you do with the children and lots of other things but that doesn't make you a bad dad.

Is it productive for the kids to have you communicating that I'm a bad mom? They know the truth.

It's still the same - if you don't get your way - then you try to shame, humiliate, bully, etc until I do what you want. You didn't like that I set the boundary on my schedule in the first place, you didn't like that I stuck by it, and you probably don't like my reply when I didn't respond in any way, shape or form and simply said that I would let our son know about the decision to not do Cub Scouts (and, I want you to know, that I will not put the blame on you for not going because I am a GROWN-UP and I care the most about my kids). There are lots of things that kids WANT to do that they don't get to do (Do you remember your parents every telling you no? Maybe that is part of the problem now?) - he is not going to be scarred because he didn't get to do Cub Scouts this year. He is mature enough to understand that our schedule does not fit their schedule.

My Mom says I need to send another e-mail reminding you of my boundary regarding judgements and opinions of me. You are welcome to disagree and share why - you are not welcome to tell me that you think I'm a bad Mom.

And while you're at it, please tell your psycho-bug-eyed wife to quit e-mailing me all the time asking if I am going to be at X or Y activity at the school. I told her I was going to be at the activities and that I thought it was great if she could also come because I KNOW IT WOULD MEAN A LOT TO OUR DAUGHTER. Do you really think I enjoy smiling at her and saying hello and being friendly at these school events? I don't. But I can do it because I'M A GROWN-UP and because it matters to my kids.

Whew! Thank goodness for this blog - I have a lot to get out and my best friend in the world is getting REALLY tired of dealing with your bull-**it. She actually asked me to quit telling her about your latest antics because they upset and anger her so much! I can't say I blame her!

No Time for This

Just working out the anger before I go to bed so I have happy dreams instead of angry dreams. This is modified from a free-flowing e-mail to my best friend who has been through so much with me in the past 2 years!
I had another one of those conversations tonight with someone saying how amazed and proud she was of how quickly I landed a good job after being laid off.

This is all very interesting and puzzling to me. Maybe it's because I have the support of good friends and because I feel more mentally healthy than the average "Jane" but to me it just seems like what you DO.

Now that I think about it, though, it would only seem like an accomplishment to your average person. To your average "Driver" (stereotypical Type A) you just figure out what you need to do and then you do it. Even though I suffer from the same self-doubts as anyone else, I also believe that I am a good and capable person and would do a good job at any place that I decided I wanted to work.

It also helps that I seem to have the ability to somehow detach from things that are traumatic. I'm not saying I didn't have to work through the feelings of low self-worth that are common with a lay-off but they, generally, didn't cause me too much despair (other than when I let my former husband momentarily cause me to doubt myself).

It reminded me of 9/11. I think I told you about how I was able to watch it all unfold on TV and not feel, at all, the same impact that it had on everyone else. I had work to do. I was having a baby any day (8 days later as it turned out and I think this was a big part of my ability to detach). There was a huge bike event that weekend and I had to finish the arrangements for our booth. I remember being frustrated that no one seemed to be working that afternoon. My attitude was, "The world goes on. Bad things happen. We can't shut down because something bad happen." Heck I should have been Bush's spokesperson - "Everyone go on with your business and keep spending (money you don't have)"! To me it didn't seem that much different than the terrible things that happen all over the world every minute of every day - I just knew from all my reading of sad memoirs that American had been sheltered until that point. I remember feeling, "Look - we all still have to get up tomorrow morning. We have to eat. We have to go to work." And I'm about to bring a child into this world and I am NOT going to process this on any level.

It's like I figure there is no TIME for wallowing in grief.

Maybe, too, this is why when there are times when I feel I do need to grieve that I have historically wanted to flee and be by myself? It feels shameful for me to allow myself to "go there" and grieve? And maybe I worry that if I grieve I will get angry which I already have recently discovered I like to avoid as an experience?

But as I type I think, I am not an "angry" person - I don't get mad about little things. The things I get angry about might actually be useful anger - like when you get angry at someone for passing out with your kids in their care? Or angry at being treated unfairly? Or angry at injustices in the world?

Well, aren't I just a wealth of words tonight?? I'm not even sure if they are coherent at this point! Hopefully you will be able to pick up what I'm setting down because it is actually making a lot of connections in my brain.

I've stayed up WAY too late tonight!

J~

Dear Former Husband

I am writing to you here because it would be pointless to try to communicate these things to you in real life. Were you a rational person I might give it a go but, having tried so many times for so many years, I already know that you reside on a different planet and there is no space shuttle that could seem to bridge the gap!

First of all...I am still probably really mad at you but I haven't allowed myself to "go there" because, again, what would be the point? I am SO incredibly happy to be free of you, your rules, and your judgments that I have figured why dwell on the past?

Yet I still have to deal with you now because of the kids and I have, and will continue to, be positive with them about how much their Daddy loves them and validate their love for you.

My therapist tells me the reason why I have dreams where I'm really angry at you is because I AM but because I refuse to acknowledge this while I'm awake it has to come out somehow.

So...now is my chance to tell you a few things...
The funny thing is that even though you've been sober for around 18 months - you're still the same manipulative, bitter person you always were. Everyone else is screwing you and taking advantage of you. You are smarter than everyone else. Your rules are better than how everyone else does things. Everyone else is stupid and should be punished if they don't follow your rules or EVEN WORSE if you have to do something you don't want to do.

I think the point I'm trying to make here is that, YES I am angry. I don't like you. Your opinions of me are unwelcome and unacceptable.

I will continue to keep to myself all of the terrible things you did and not bring them up with you, nor share them with your supporters (Mom and Dad and the fiance). Believe it or not, even your friends can see through you. They think it's really strange that you became engaged to and moved into your daughter's Kindergarten teacher's house within 2 months of your first date. Did you bother to tell your fiance or your parents WHY YOU HAD ONLY ONE overnight/week in the Parenting Plan? It's not because I'm a bitch - it's because you passed out repeatedly while they were in your care and because you were emotionally abusive to them while drinking (remember the line about how you were going to "grab my cat by his fucking tail and slam his skull into the concrete?" - did you share that one with your fiance and her two cats).

People have known your business was going to fail from the minute I was out of the picture and you opened up in the most expensive location in town with no real plan other than to "sell a lot".

Even though you continue to minimize what I did for your business, your clients, your friends, your family all know that it was ME and my skills that made your business what it was. Without me you would have been some guy wrenching in his garage. You telling me that the things on my resume were "overstated" and that they were "between me and my employer" hurt me alot. Again. But I have been working on it, figuring out why it was I still thought that I would get approval from you or why I needed it. I guess maybe it would have been some sort of apology to hear that you valued what I had done? Silly, huh?

Speaking of which, can I also mention that everyone who hears that you kept my bike thinks it is about the shittiest thing? They don't know the half of it!

Let's see...what else is there...I know there must be more inside...

Oh, yeah, your suicide note to me...the one that you saved somewhere and kept secret from me for 5 years - only to give it to me with a fresh addendum as our divorce unfolded. You remember that one? The one titled "The Top 10 Reasons to Blow My Fucking Head Off" - I've mentioned in there a few times.

In turns out I was the #1 reason. And, of course, let's not forget the line - "Hope finding my headless corpse doesn't fuck you up too bad, bitch!"

Maybe it would have fucked me up less than spending the next 5 years of my life living with someone who:
*  Resumed drinking, drank to the point of blacking/passing out EVERY SINGLE NIGHT (kind of hard to feel like having sex with someone who was laying on the carpet with drool running out of his mouth the night before)
*  Had me cowering in fear that his anger was going to snap at some point and he was going to stab me (for some reason I always thought that's what it would be).

You're really quite a winner!

Do you remember when we first worked together? You were always so sarcastic that I asked one day, "Do you hate me or are you always like this?" - well it turns out after 15 years it was both! You did hate me and you are always like that. Of course, at 20 years old I thought, "Gee. This guy acts like he hates me but says he doesn't. I think I should marry him!" Guess I'm not so smart either.

Let me flip through my mental rolodex here - we had had a lot of years together...I know there are other things I am angry about.


Oh yeah, you telling me a year before the divorce finally happened that even the first year we were married that you used to stay late at work because you dreaded coming home to me. Why didn't you just leave then? I was 22! I could have done something totally different with my life other than giving you my inheritance and sacrificing my career for your business and subjecting myself to emotional abuse.


Other "deal breakers" other than those listed above (passing out with the kids in your care being a big one)...
The big scene you caused in front of the kids when I asked you to spend the night at a friends house because when I asked you, "Would you ever hurt me?" you replied, "Why would I fuck up my life like that?". Remember that one, where the kids and I were crying, you almost pulled my arm out of its' socket, and then you drove off so drunk you were about to pass out after threatening to drive yourself into the reservoir? Yeah, that was a deal breaker.


And the funny thing is that this happened a full year before the divorce. I called your Dad and your Sister and all your friends. I finally had to tell them you had been drinking about 16 drinks every night and that you had been suicidal for a long time. I thought they would help you. And us. But they couldn't. And they don't seem to remember this now - and of course, anyway, you were only like that because I was such a horrible bitch.

Well...I'm getting really tired of writing this. It's all pretty boring to me now. I've been thinking about and/or supressing all of this stuff for so long and I'm really not interested in continuing to let it bother me.

As I said, Former Husband, your opinions and judgments of me are unwelcome. I choose to air your "dirty laundry" here because only 4 people who also know you even know of the existence of this blog. Everyone else in your life will eventually figure you out and see you for who you are, as will your children, I don't need to help them get to that point by telling them what you did to me.

Signed,
Your Former Wife Who Quit Trying to Please You 2 Years Ago but Who Should have Quit Trying 15 Years Ago.

A Statistic

So today I became one of the millions of "laid-off" people you read about.

I can add this statistical fact to: Divorced, Bankrupt, Foreclosed. And now Unemployed.

This is all in the course of 2 years. Quite an accomplishment, really.

But here's the upside: I'm only 37 years old, I am smart and motivated. I have saved a small nest egg during the past year. I am no longer married to an alcoholic. I received a 4 week severance package plus my vacation time - all in all I have about 6 weeks before my cash flow becomes zero.

This is my opportunity to do what I want and am good at and I have 6 weeks to get this in order.

This is not to say I'm not shocked, depressed, angry, and numb.

Mainly I am numb right now. And it is time to go to bed.

A Letter

January 1, 2009

Dear Daddy,

You’ve been gone for…25 years.

After you died I wasn’t sad. I was relieved. And angry with you because I felt like, one last time, you had to mess up a chance for me to have a friend. To not be alone.

I was supposed to spend the night with Lisa the night you died. When Mommy picked me up at school and told me you had died my first thought was, “I’m not going to get to send the night with Lisa. I shouldn’t even bother asking because the answer will be no and I will look like I don’t care that you died.” Even though I didn’t care.

I spent so much time alone the first 12 years of my life.

You liked people.

Do you know what it is like to be isolated?

How empty it feels?

How lonely?

How unloved you feel?

I just wanted to be with you. To be part of something. To feel loved.

I can still feel the hollow, lonely, empty place in my soul.

What you did feels like it took part of my soul.

Before you died you asked for me to come to your hospital room – you wanted to give me your parting words. The wisdom of your life. Your hopes and dreams for me.

It meant nothing.

And I feel guilty for that.

I wanted to care. I didn’t want to be angry at you. I wanted you to be the Dad that I could trust.

And I didn’t trust you. I believed through your whole illness. Through all your apologies as you grew weaker and weaker and closer to “God”.

That if the doctors found a way to make you better that things would be the same.
This is the only thing I believed.

I didn’t understand how you could be such a hypocrite and “repent”. Did you really believe that all you have to do is say you’re sorry and then it goes away?

It doesn’t work that way.

And anyway, you never apologized to me.

You only apologized to Mommy after we had been summoned to the side of your bed to read the scriptures to you.

And only once as I recall.

And, from my perspective, you were sorry because you knew what you had done was wrong and now you were dying.

Convenient.

I have never felt your presence since you died. I know it is because I have shut you out. I’ve felt Joel and Lauren’s presence – anytime you’ve been on the periphery I’ve closed myself. It probably hurts you. I’m sorry that I haven’t forgiven you.

It’s still the same. I want to care about you but, really, I have to protect myself first.

If I allow myself to care about you then I will get hurt.

Not by your fists – that was never what really hurt.

But by the loneliness.

By the withdrawal of attention and love.

So here I am now. I’m 37. I just got a divorce last year and not a week – sometimes not even a day - goes by where I don’t think, “Thank God I’m not married to that man anymore”.

I want to be happy.

Mommy lives close by.

You really did a number on her.

Did you love her?

Why did you hurt her?
She is kind.

She used to plead with you not to hurt her.

How do you think it feels to hear your mother beg like an animal? Beg not to be beaten?

I can still hear her voice pleading with you.

I wanted to kill you.

Do you remember when you made her take off her clothes so she couldn’t run away from you while you beat her? And she was so afraid that she ran out of the house naked?

Why did you do that to her?

I hate you.

I don’t want to hate you.

I hate you!

And here I am again with that hollowness in my soul.

Is it the spot in your soul where you are supposed to feel love for your father?

On the day of your funeral I remember riding in the hearse. As we drove through downtown Des Moines I saw one of your students, a young man who you had mentored. He had been late for the funeral and as the hearse drove by he realized he had missed your service (very touching – the dutiful daughter had to read a poem – everyone was so touched because I read it without even crying). The instant of this realization, this young man crumpled to the sidewalk in anguish.

You see, you had made a difference in his life. And he was sad that you were dead.

And I wanted to feel that…