Dear Former Husband (Part 568)

I am writing to you here again because YOU JUST DON'T GET IT! We are no longer married. I do not care what you think of me. Your opinions of me hold no more power over me. You cannot control me.

I know that you feel out of control in every area of your life and you keep coming back to the one thing that you could control so well for 15 years in a vain effort to regain that feeling.

But as I told you before, even though you have not changed in the past two years - I HAVE!

What part of

"I certainly support endeavors to help [our son] make friends however, other than [unnamed friend], I haven't heard him talk about playing with any of the other boys from Cub Scouts at recess last year, etc and/or asking to have play dates with any of the boys from Cub Scouts. If you are willing to make the time commitment again this year I certainly support that and can, on occasion, take him to Cub Scout activities but I do think there might be other activities to commit time and money to that would achieve the same goals.

did you not understand? Did I not make it clear enough that if you decided to do Cub Scouts again this year that you would be the one doing to bulk of the meetings?

Here's the thing:
Cub Scouts has meetings twice per week that require the parents to attend and be actively involved - I would have to get a babysitter for our daughter and pay for that out of my pocket. I would have to rush home from work, cram fast food in everyone, and then rush to a meeting. I would then get home after everyone's bed time which would mean a cranky morning for everyone and lower school performance. My idea of quality time and being an "involved parent" entails me picking up the kids on Tuesday or Thursday, cooking dinner with them (yes, I ALLOW them in the kitchen because I am not a control freak about meals and I want them to learn and I enjoy it), hanging out in the backyard and giving ourselves a full hour to get ready for bed and read stories with everyone tucked in by 8:30.

I am a single parent. I am the only one in charge of all of the things it takes to run a household (nothing new to me, actually -that's how it always was). I have to get everything ready for the next morning after the kids are in bed. I know that you rushed your daughter's kindergarten teacher into marriage after a 7 week courtship so you didn't have to do things yourself but I am the one who does everything at my house. There is no one to stay home with the other child while I go and do flag duty and no one to cook and clean and get things ready for the next day during that time.

On top of that, I'm really not a big supporter of the Cub Scouts. I see it as a quasi-militaristic, homophobic, religious organization. Now I am an ardent supporter of our armed services but I also don't relish the idea of exposing my kid to more of the drill-sergeant mentality than he already gets from you. And you know that one of my best friends in the world was murdered simply because he was gay. And I'm an agnostic (and you're an atheist).

But really, the point isn't the Scouting thing - the point is that I made it clear that I set the boundary and said I would not make the time commitment but that I would help out on occasion.

I didn't react to your first e-mail where you sent me the schedule showing all the meetings on Tuesdays and Thursdays and talking about finding a "fair way to share the responsibility" (meaning I take it on). I replied and gave you specific dates I would attend - it was one meeting a month which I thought was generous considering I will also be taking them to swimming lessons every Sunday for the foreseeable future.

When your wrote again about how you thought I should do these meetings because they are my "nights" I reminded you of the original e-mail stating that I would help out on occasion and would support you and Lennon if you wanted to do these activities.

And I didn't even react to this e-mail reply from you...

• I had expressed my reservations to committing to Cub Scouts and was ready to pull the plug on it until [our son] was so excited about doing it. He said to me again tonight that he wants to do all the meetings and not let it fizzle out in the spring like what happened last year. I did not decide to do Cub Scouts, [our son] did.
  
  The decision that was made on my end was that I will not take over your share of the time commitment, so I think that tough conversation will have to come from you, not me.
  
  I have a feeling this means that [our son] won't get to do cub scouts and that makes me sad for him, but I won't be bullied into taking on your responsibilities. Lots of things the children are interested in will be difficult for us, but this is our job. This is what good parents do. They support their children in THEIR interests.

So - let's see...you're going to pull out the "Bad Mom" accusations because I did not do what you wanted?? You feel bullied into taking on my responsibilities?? I am not a good parent?? I am only interested in MY interests not the kids??

Really? I could say lots of bad things about you but I have never, not once, accused you of being a "bad dad" - in fact I've told you, the kids teachers, co-workers, etc. that you are a good dad and that you care very much about the children. I disagree with your lecturing, rigid rules, ridicule, etc that you do with the children and lots of other things but that doesn't make you a bad dad.

Is it productive for the kids to have you communicating that I'm a bad mom? They know the truth.

It's still the same - if you don't get your way - then you try to shame, humiliate, bully, etc until I do what you want. You didn't like that I set the boundary on my schedule in the first place, you didn't like that I stuck by it, and you probably don't like my reply when I didn't respond in any way, shape or form and simply said that I would let our son know about the decision to not do Cub Scouts (and, I want you to know, that I will not put the blame on you for not going because I am a GROWN-UP and I care the most about my kids). There are lots of things that kids WANT to do that they don't get to do (Do you remember your parents every telling you no? Maybe that is part of the problem now?) - he is not going to be scarred because he didn't get to do Cub Scouts this year. He is mature enough to understand that our schedule does not fit their schedule.

My Mom says I need to send another e-mail reminding you of my boundary regarding judgements and opinions of me. You are welcome to disagree and share why - you are not welcome to tell me that you think I'm a bad Mom.

And while you're at it, please tell your psycho-bug-eyed wife to quit e-mailing me all the time asking if I am going to be at X or Y activity at the school. I told her I was going to be at the activities and that I thought it was great if she could also come because I KNOW IT WOULD MEAN A LOT TO OUR DAUGHTER. Do you really think I enjoy smiling at her and saying hello and being friendly at these school events? I don't. But I can do it because I'M A GROWN-UP and because it matters to my kids.

Whew! Thank goodness for this blog - I have a lot to get out and my best friend in the world is getting REALLY tired of dealing with your bull-**it. She actually asked me to quit telling her about your latest antics because they upset and anger her so much! I can't say I blame her!