Seepage

I was foolish enough to recently wonder if I was "in remission" from my grieving or maybe even...done.

Ha! 

It turns out that after the very raw grieving the evening of my birthday I must have subconsciously put a very thick bandage around the gash.  And, as tends to happen to a gaping wound left untreated, after a period of time the gunk starts to seep through even the thickest of bandages.

As you may recall, when I first resumed writing, it was because I had left my longtime therapist in tears thoroughly convinced that she "hated me".  I poked fun at myself for the patheticness of the thought but, of course, it still hurt.

What was really happening was that the universe was using this as an opportunity to demonstrate to me, once again...

"IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU, JENNIFER!"

Yes, you see, the very day I returned home from a visit to my new therapist (more on that later) I found a letter in my mailbox from this person who supposedly hated me.

It was a goodbye letter.

The ovarian cancer that she had fought for two years has quit responding to treatment and she is now receiving Hospice care in her home.

She didn't hate me. 
She was dying. 
And I suppose that might make someone a little impatient with someone who was stuck not dealing with her own emotions.

Thank you, Dr. Peters, for teaching me, "You don't have to believe everything you think."

For helping me learn to detach from my emotions and rob them of the power over me.

I promise I will continue the hard work.

And, maybe next time, when I try to convince myself, "This person doesn't like me." I will remeber that IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT ME!

Life Lesson - Part Deuce

Epilogue:  Thank you, Universe, for the follow-up lesson of letting people know EVERY DAY that they are making a difference in your life.

I just wrote to Dr. Peters thanking her for the things she taught me.  When I went to look up her address I found the update on her website.

She went on to the next stage of the journey yesterday.  She did not suffer long in her final days on earth.

I will still mail the card.  I believe she knows she made a difference and perhaps it will be a comfort to her family.

Authenticity

Call me a flip-flopper if you must but, after struggling for the past week, receiving emails from people saying I was helping them through their own journey of grief, and thinking about being authentic...I have decided to keep my blog open to all who wish to read it.

I can only claim to speak what is true for me and how I interpreted the events in my life.

I have gone back into old posts and used a pseudonym where I felt it was important to protect the individual because I have grown to care for them.

Please, if you are sharing this blog with someone, do it because it will be helpful to them.  If you think it would be hurtful for them to read my private thoughts, please protect them, they have already been through pain that they are journeying through on their own.

In peace,

Jennifer

By Invitation Only

The personal writings on this blog are intended to be read by invitation only.  I chose to do this in order to allow myself to write freely and explore my feelings without fear of hurting others.

I had realized all along it was extraordinarily risky to write in a public forum using real names and had thought many times recently about changing to pseudonyms and removing personal photos.  However, because I do truly wish to protect the innocent bystanders in my life/Shawn's life and know that pseudonyms do not truly make things private, I have temporarily converted all postings to draft status.

If you are someone who has been reading my blog, either by personal invitation or by recommendation from a friend who was personally invited, please contact me at jensbrooks@live.com for continued access to the blog.

I will be adding many new postings in the coming weeks.

In peace,

Jennifer

Don't touch that dial

Work has gotten in the way of fingers touching keyboard.  But it hasn't stopped a host of new thoughts and feelings.

Next week looks to be prolific.

Or...

Since my birthday I have felt less tormented - maybe even a sense of peace.  And today I noticed that I may have even had a 24-hour time period go by where I didn't think of Shawn and "what he did".

As recently as a week ago there was a constant track running in my head that thought about Shawn's death regardless of what else I was doing.  Almost like a program running in the background on your computer...you can't necessarily see that it is there or what it is doing unless you look for it...and yet it is there slowing everything else down.

Could it be that I am "done grieving"?

Or am I just in remission?

Or maybe I just needed a break after the intensity of the emotions on my birthday and I have subconsciously shut them down?

Or maybe it is that the kids have been struggling more in the past week and so my focus is on them?

Lily is clearly feeling some anger.  I have finally learned that when she is grouchy, impatient and most notably needing to control everyone and everything around her that the underlying emotion is anger.  My observation is that, for her, this emotion has been the hardest of all the grieving stages.  She was never an angry child and I don't think she knows what to do with this feeling.

Lennon has been...a mixed up combination of 11 year old boy hormones.  Maybe he is grieving somewhere in his little Asperger's brain or maybe he really is as matter-of-fact as he seems about his Dad's death.  I do know that no amount of gentle, patient or humorous reminders, removal of screen time or positive goal setting seem to work to get him to pick up his towel, brush his teeth, put in the rubber bands for his braces, shut the door or put the toilet seat down.

Perhaps it is time for me to do some writing about the L's.

Thoughts from Others

With permission, I am sharing a few of comments sent privately to me by friends who are reading this blog...your comments help me process and understand.  With love, J.

From MKH:  I think it's important that you made a decision to not put your kids through an abusive childhood; just imagine what a strong message you sent by getting out of the situation you were in. As someone on the outside looking in I do believe he did what he did on your birthday to be a forever reminder... I can understand his wife not wanting to acknowledge that because in a warped sense it undermines her importance to him. I think it literally "killed" him to see you happy and strong without him. Just a guess. He certainly didn't have the last word and I believe that this will be the hardest birthday but will only get easier as time goes on. I think it was very profound and says volumes about you that you would rather live the last night 100 times rather than the night in 2006 once. Since I, too, grew up in an abusive household I can relate to that so well. You always have been and always will be totally AMAZING and no one can take that away from you!! Once again, Happy Happy Birthday! And no, do not change the date of celebration!

From LMH:  I'm glad you don't have to live those moments again either. Hopefully through Shawn's death the cycle will be broken. Your kids won't think that is normal and how relationships should be. You are strong and an excellent example for them.