Surprise!

Last night I went to a friend's 40th Birthday Surprise Party.

Her husband was meticulous in his planning.  He thought of every detail including a map of where people should park so their vehicles weren't seen and a back-up plan in case it snowed (which it did) so there weren't footprints leading up to the house when she came home.

I was so excited!  I have always wanted to be at a party where you jump out and yell SURPRISE and the person has the look of shock and delight that people would go to such lengths to show how much they care.

Everything went off exactly as planned. 

The birthday girl came home with her two children from a long afternoon of practices and lessons and the look on her face was priceless.

As I watched her husband anxiously wait for the door to open and then the look they shared when she realized what he had done for her, I felt a tear escape the corner of my eye.

And then I crashed...

All my feelings of sadness and grief over my 40th birthday bubbled to the surface.

It wasn't just the pain of remembering that the only person who remembered my 40th birthday was Shawn - it was having to sit there in a crowd of 60 jovial people telling stories about what people did for their 40th and knowing that there was no socially acceptable way of sharing any stories about MY 40th birthday.

I mean this is a PARTY for goodness sake!

After feeling the tears well up a few times I went into the bathroom where I tried to decide between taking some deep breaths and pulling it together or staying in there and actually letting myself grieve.

I can guarantee if I could have just let it out and not had to walk out of the bathroom with a red nose, puffy lip and smeared eye make-up I would have just let it happen.

I can also guarantee that if I hadn't had the L's with me I would have just said my goodbyes and driven home in tears.

I took the deep breaths, went and had some cake (who says a little comfort food can't help!) and thought about how nice it would be to go home and let myself cry after the kids were tucked into bed.

What actually happened was that the intensity of the emotion faded once I was out of the situation.  And I came home and read the story about the mother in NYC who came home from her middle child's swimming lesson to discover her nanny had stabbed her eldest and youngest children to death.

Surprise!  Just when you feel the most sorry for yourself you can be reminded of how small your problems really are.