Every morning when I take Lily to the bus stop she clings to me.
She weepily begs me not to leave and tells me she "doesn't want to go". She tells me she "needs me". At night she makes me signs for work telling me I am special and make her day better just by being in it.
Any therapist will tell you this is separation anxiety that is natural after the loss of a parent. They would tell you to do exactly what I do which is to stay calm and assure her that I know she has these feelings and that I know she can handle them. They would tell you to not give too much attention when she is showing the regressive behavior and simply show your confidence in her ability to get through them. They would tell you to talk about the feelings during a different, calm time and to acknowledge why she has them.
Yes, I've done all these things.
But what do I do to stop MY separation anxiety?
I know too much.
Every time I drive the car without the kids I worry, "What if I get killed in a car accident?".
When I found out I have to have a fairly minor surgery to remove ovarian cysts in January I thought, "What if it is cancer? What if they put me under for the surgery and I never wake up?"
I know that these things DO happen, despite my assurances to her that everything is fine.
I worry all the time about something happening to me and my kids being orphans.
What would happen to them? Would they really be able to handle it? Or would they be doomed to a sad life?
I don't want this for them.
I worry that Lily is not resilient enough.
She doesn't seem to have (yet?) developed the ability to rise above hardship.
Is it just in her nature to be most comfortable in the role of victim? I get so frustrated with her when I see her going straight to this role every time she gets upset.
It's how her father was. He was always a victim of someone else or circumstances.
Despite my anxiety about all these things I understand that this fear will always be with me and I can't let it change how I live my life (except in a positive way of always being fully present). And I acknowledge that these fears aren't truly different or unique to me. All parent worries about what would happen to their children if they were gone.
I just wish it weren't so.
3 comments:
Wow! I just came across your blog today and read it in it entirety. It is amazing to me all that you have overcome. I know you probably don't feel it, but the change in your emotions since you first started writing is huge! I can't imagine the pain you fell I. Dealing with this suicide, especially how it has affected your children. My heart breaks for yours I read about Lilly's upset. I know yours does as well. Hang in there. And keep writing, please. I know it must be therapeutic for you and it was for me as well!!
Thank you so much for your kind words, Brenda! They mean a lot to me. I had not even thought about how my emotions might have changed since I started...
I know these feelings and fears all too well. I also worry about something happening to me or to the kids a lot more since I lost my husband. I think it's only natural, yet it is frustrating to live this way. Perhaps it gets better with time. I recently questioned several people about how to get rid of fear, or what the opposite of fear is. Some said love, one said joy, and then my therapist said 'trust'. Trusting that everything has and will work out just the way it is meant to and that no amount of fear will change that. Fear will only cripple ourselves and steal our joy. I'm trying to take that and make it true for me.
Much love to you and your beautiful children. xoxo
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