I Know Too Much.

Every morning when I take Lily to the bus stop she clings to me.

She weepily begs me not to leave and tells me she "doesn't want to go".  She tells me she "needs me".  At night she makes me signs for work telling me I am special and make her day better just by being in it.

Any therapist will tell you this is separation anxiety that is natural after the loss of a parent.  They would tell you to do exactly what I do which is to stay calm and assure her that I know she has these feelings and that I know she can handle them.  They would tell you to not give too much attention when she is showing the regressive behavior and simply show your confidence in her ability to get through them.  They would tell you to talk about the feelings during a different, calm time and to acknowledge why she has them.

Yes, I've done all these things.

But what do I do to stop MY separation anxiety? 

I know too much.

Every time I drive the car without the kids I worry, "What if I get killed in a car accident?".

When I found out I have to have a fairly minor surgery to remove ovarian cysts in January I thought, "What if it is cancer?  What if they put me under for the surgery and I never wake up?"

I know that these things DO happen, despite my assurances to her that everything is fine.

I worry all the time about something happening to me and my kids being orphans.

What would happen to them?  Would they really be able to handle it?  Or would they be doomed to a sad life?

I don't want this for them.

I worry that Lily is not resilient enough.

She doesn't seem to have (yet?) developed the ability to rise above hardship.

Is it just in her nature to be most comfortable in the role of victim?  I get so frustrated with her when I see her going straight to this role every time she gets upset.

It's how her father was.  He was always a victim of someone else or circumstances.

Despite my anxiety about all these things I understand that this fear will always be with me and I can't let it change how I live my life (except in a positive way of always being fully present). And I acknowledge that these fears aren't truly different or unique to me.  All parent worries about what would happen to their children if they were gone.

I just wish it weren't so.

Like an old fashioned coffee pot...

Although I haven't been writing there have been a lot of thoughts percolating that will soon get shared...

It's unavoidable

"I could just kill myself!"

"I would rather take a bullet to the brain!"

I don't think one notices the prevalance of these types of expressions in our vernacular until you've had a loved one kill themself in this manner.

I cringe when I hear these comments - especially when the kids are present.

People mean no harm by them, of course.  These statements are just a way of expressing how strongly someone feels about a situation.

Lily had to go to the counselor's office at school last week because there was a story (that 4th graders were reading!) where someone got shot in the head.

She got visibly upset and the teacher, fortunately, knew what was going on and excused her.

I know with time we will all have less of a visceral reaction to hearing these comments but for right now I am going to feel nauseous everytime I hear Lily innocently dancing to "Livin' La Vida Loca".

"She will take away your pain...like a bullet to the brain."

I keep debating whether to tell her the song makes me uncomfortable - thus drawing attention to a line she hasn't deciphered yet - or just let her enjoy being 9 and dancing to a catchy song.