I Guess She Doesn't Want to Talk About It.

I talked to Shawn's Mom on the phone for about 40 minutes this past Sunday.

His mother, Kathy, is someone who is always put together.

She is not one to show strong emotions - neither positive nor negative.  I can't recall ever seeing her joyously happy, overcome with love or anything beyond mild annoyance.

During the 15 years of my marriage to her son, I saw her without full make-up, hair done and cute outfit only a handful of times.

You also don't really talk about your own feelings with her.

At Shawn's funeral she physically ducked away from hugs people tried to give her.

Stoic and controlled are words I would use to describe her.

Our conversation on Sunday started out light - talking about Christmas presents for the L's.

At some point we began to talk about Lily's struggles.  I told her that Lily missed him, of course, but was also angry.

Kathy told me that she had never, not once, felt angry with Shawn.  She said she didn't think it was possible for a parent to be angry at their child who had committed suicide and that her experience during the (very brief) time when she went to a Grief Group (which she told me did NOT help at all) was that children and spouses felt anger but none of the parents did.

This surprised me.

To me it would be normal for anyone to feel angry.  It doesn't mean you didn't love them.

Maybe she has supressed her anger?  Maybe it just hasn't come yet and it will come later?

Clearly I can't worry about how she is processing her own grief - I have mine and the children's to worry about without taking on others.

We talked further about how much pain Shawn must have been in to do what he did.  She told me that, knowing how much pain he was in, that there was a sense of relief that he wasn't suffering anymore.  She explained that, if he had cancer and was in severe pain, she would have told him, "It's okay, Buddy.  Let it go."

As a parent this was touching.  I do get this sentiment, although I haven't necessarily experienced it during my own grieving.

Next Kathy asked me..."but when do you think he first got sick?"

This caused me to pause.  It was the first time she had ever asked me anything about his illness.

I never fully realized it on a conscious level but...I did truly know Shawn better than anyone - maybe even better than he knew himself.

Not only were we married for 15 years but he did actually talk to me on an emotional level.

Of course I never really understood the TRUE depths of his pain.  Could he have even expressed how dark things were for him if he wanted? 

And, although he had talked about suicide in detail for a number of years, I can't say that I ever thought he would actually do it.

I answered Kathy's question the best I could. 

I told her that I thought starting to drink as young as he did, probably even younger than she and his Dad knew, had surely caused changes in his developing brain.

I told her about how after he was sober for 7 months and then relapsed that he said drinking was "different" for him because he realized he could never be happy sober and he could never be happy drunk.  I shared that I wished I had been strong enough then to insist he get professional help - even though I knew it probably wouldn't have changed the outcome of things.

I told her we would never know if the reason he was so attracted to alcohol was because he was self-medicating a biological brain disease.  I did share that he often referred to alcohol as his "medicine".

I told her about how scared I was that he was going to commit suicide while I was pregnant with Lily (I will have to look back and see if I've written on that, yet)!

I was very careful to share only information that would be helpful in her understanding of "WHY" while protecting her from specific details of the fear and anger that was a part of the last 5 years of our marriage.

I woke up the morning after this conversation thinking of Kathy.  I knew that it was probably being processed with a mixture of new and resurfacing feelings and may even be leading her to have more questions.

By mid-morning I decided to write her and sent this...

Hi, Kathy. I just wanted to check in with you after our long conversation yesterday and make sure you are doing okay.

I will always answer any questions you have to the best of my ability.

I wanted so badly for so many years for Shawn to get well. He was a truly amazing human - a young man with a wit that wouldn't quit, a love of nature and animals, a sense of justice in the world, a man who adored his children.

I had always hoped and believed that he would find a way to get help and that we would be friends again.

Just wanted you to know I am thinking of you today.

Jennifer

 

As of today I haven't received a response, although there have been other email exchanges between us about Christmas gifts.

 

My feelings aren't hurt.  I guess I did hope for an acknowledgement...

 

Of what? 

 

That what I told her was helpful? That she knows I did care about him?  That I tried to help?  That she wants to know more?