Friends

During my marriage to Shawn I saw my own personal friendships relegated to the couple time a year, "We should get together more often" conversations.

Because, really, how could you look your friends in the eye and either 1) put on a smiling face and lie about what your life is really like or 2) spill your guts and tell them how much your husband drinks and how scared you are for your life and his? 

It robs your soul to try to put on the happy face with anyone other than acquaintances your true deep friends would say, "What are you doing? You have to get OUT!" if you told them your reality.

So Shawn's friends were also my friends.  Ryan, Rob and Jason.

I liked them.  We all hung out in the bike shop that adjoined our home for many, many hours each week and listened to music.  We all resided in the bicycling world and talked bikes.  They shared my same dark sense of humor and dry wit.

Our house was the "hang-out place" for the guys and I was "one of the guys".

Sure they were Shawn's drinking buddies and I never joined them on their "real" bike rides but that was okay because I had the children to care for and the behind the scenes work of the business to keep me busy.

Yet their presence in my home met my social needs and kept me from isolation.

Not surprisingly, when Shawn and I divorced they allied themselves with him.

This was logical, expected, and not hurtful.  They weren't unkind to me - they just simply disappeared from my life.

For the sake of their friend they had to believe his stories that I had "broken up the marriage" and "left Shawn for someone else".

Perhaps the reason why none of this bothered me at the time was because I thought,

"They know the truth.  They've seen how Shawn treats me.  They know how much he drinks.  I told them how he goes inside and sneaks extra shots when they are hanging out getting drunk.  I told them he was suicidal.  They've seen how much I gave to this marriage and this business.  They KNOW me.  They are my friends.  They know who I really am."

When Shawn died I needed them.

I needed to grieve with them.

And they haven't been there for me.

I kept believing they would reach out to me and comfort me.

I feel embarrassed that I need this.  And yet it feels to me like they are the only ones who might understand...how he could be so sick and yet still be someone with whom you wanted to spend time.

And they're not there.

They avoided me at the funeral.

The one time I saw Jason he was at work and he just maintained polite, distant, conversation.

They've never asked how I am doing.  They've never asked how the kids are doing.

They watched our children growing from the time they were infants.  These are their good friend's kids who have been left without a father.  Kids who might appreciate someone who knew their father well.

I was asked, a few months ago, by Shawn's Dad to be part of the group he was gathering to come up with ideas for a memorial for Shawn in Fort Collins - something artistic and bike related that would make sure that Shawn wasn't forgotten.

The others in this group:  Rob, Ryan, Jason and a few others from that time in my life.

There have been a number of "Reply to All" emails sent as ideas have been thrown around.

I participated in the ideas and talk of logistics for getting the memorial placed.

And every time I see these names on the email list it feels like a punch in the gut.

I guess it is a good thing because it made me realize how hurt I was feeling.

I sat on this situation and feeling for quite awhile.  I didn't tell R. or my Mom or anyone else that I was participating in a memorial plan for Shawn.  Probably because they might have questioned if it was healthy for me and my healing.

But I did finally bring it up with my therapist who pointed out, "It seems more like it is a memorial for them.  Is this something you need for your own healing?".

And the answer is, "no".  I don't need it for my healing. 

I participated in the planning in an effort to be included in the group again.  It was an invitation for one of them to email me privately to see how I was doing.  It was a way of trying to show, "I DID care about Shawn.  I do remember him."  It was my way of asking, "Do you really think it was my fault?".

Because they haven't reached out to me I am left guessing the reasons why.

Do they believe his suicide was caused by me ending our marriage?  Did they really believe all the things he told them about how I was making his life hell after the divorce?  Couldn't they see that his anger was not about me or anything I did or didn't do?

Have they blocked out the time I called them asking for help because Shawn had disappeared into the mountains threatening suicide?  Or do they feel guilty that they didn't take it seriously and are now struggling through their own grief and questioning of what they could have done done differently?  (PS - there was nothing you could have done, guys).

Do they not realize that I crave a chance to talk to them - to be real with them?

Were they ever really my friends?

These questions are, of course, unanswerable right now. 

I could reach out to them, I suppose.  I could ask them how they are doing with their own grieving.  I'm sure I have selfishly ignored how hard it must be to have a best friend commit suicide.

Rubik's Cube

I haven't been writing because everything feels too jumbled...or like there is too much to tell...or it is too inter-connected to sort through.

I just feel tired when I think about trying to form these jumbled thoughts into something coherent such that someone might be interested in reading.

2 Days

I've got a lot of things I want to write about...

I did get a response to the email I sent to Shawn's Mom.

I want to explore how it feels that friends Shawn and I had during our marriage but who became "his friends" after the divorce have never reached out to me after his death.

What Lily "told" her Dad during her therapy session when she role-played that he had come back for just two days.  Very powerful.

What would I say to him if he came back for two days?

Stay tuned.

I Guess She Doesn't Want to Talk About It.

I talked to Shawn's Mom on the phone for about 40 minutes this past Sunday.

His mother, Kathy, is someone who is always put together.

She is not one to show strong emotions - neither positive nor negative.  I can't recall ever seeing her joyously happy, overcome with love or anything beyond mild annoyance.

During the 15 years of my marriage to her son, I saw her without full make-up, hair done and cute outfit only a handful of times.

You also don't really talk about your own feelings with her.

At Shawn's funeral she physically ducked away from hugs people tried to give her.

Stoic and controlled are words I would use to describe her.

Our conversation on Sunday started out light - talking about Christmas presents for the L's.

At some point we began to talk about Lily's struggles.  I told her that Lily missed him, of course, but was also angry.

Kathy told me that she had never, not once, felt angry with Shawn.  She said she didn't think it was possible for a parent to be angry at their child who had committed suicide and that her experience during the (very brief) time when she went to a Grief Group (which she told me did NOT help at all) was that children and spouses felt anger but none of the parents did.

This surprised me.

To me it would be normal for anyone to feel angry.  It doesn't mean you didn't love them.

Maybe she has supressed her anger?  Maybe it just hasn't come yet and it will come later?

Clearly I can't worry about how she is processing her own grief - I have mine and the children's to worry about without taking on others.

We talked further about how much pain Shawn must have been in to do what he did.  She told me that, knowing how much pain he was in, that there was a sense of relief that he wasn't suffering anymore.  She explained that, if he had cancer and was in severe pain, she would have told him, "It's okay, Buddy.  Let it go."

As a parent this was touching.  I do get this sentiment, although I haven't necessarily experienced it during my own grieving.

Next Kathy asked me..."but when do you think he first got sick?"

This caused me to pause.  It was the first time she had ever asked me anything about his illness.

I never fully realized it on a conscious level but...I did truly know Shawn better than anyone - maybe even better than he knew himself.

Not only were we married for 15 years but he did actually talk to me on an emotional level.

Of course I never really understood the TRUE depths of his pain.  Could he have even expressed how dark things were for him if he wanted? 

And, although he had talked about suicide in detail for a number of years, I can't say that I ever thought he would actually do it.

I answered Kathy's question the best I could. 

I told her that I thought starting to drink as young as he did, probably even younger than she and his Dad knew, had surely caused changes in his developing brain.

I told her about how after he was sober for 7 months and then relapsed that he said drinking was "different" for him because he realized he could never be happy sober and he could never be happy drunk.  I shared that I wished I had been strong enough then to insist he get professional help - even though I knew it probably wouldn't have changed the outcome of things.

I told her we would never know if the reason he was so attracted to alcohol was because he was self-medicating a biological brain disease.  I did share that he often referred to alcohol as his "medicine".

I told her about how scared I was that he was going to commit suicide while I was pregnant with Lily (I will have to look back and see if I've written on that, yet)!

I was very careful to share only information that would be helpful in her understanding of "WHY" while protecting her from specific details of the fear and anger that was a part of the last 5 years of our marriage.

I woke up the morning after this conversation thinking of Kathy.  I knew that it was probably being processed with a mixture of new and resurfacing feelings and may even be leading her to have more questions.

By mid-morning I decided to write her and sent this...

Hi, Kathy. I just wanted to check in with you after our long conversation yesterday and make sure you are doing okay.

I will always answer any questions you have to the best of my ability.

I wanted so badly for so many years for Shawn to get well. He was a truly amazing human - a young man with a wit that wouldn't quit, a love of nature and animals, a sense of justice in the world, a man who adored his children.

I had always hoped and believed that he would find a way to get help and that we would be friends again.

Just wanted you to know I am thinking of you today.

Jennifer

 

As of today I haven't received a response, although there have been other email exchanges between us about Christmas gifts.

 

My feelings aren't hurt.  I guess I did hope for an acknowledgement...

 

Of what? 

 

That what I told her was helpful? That she knows I did care about him?  That I tried to help?  That she wants to know more?

 

 

 

 

Something to Read: Last 100 Days Alcoholic: Gotta Be More#c7586603641299020482

This is a blog I follow which is written by a man struggling for sobriety.

I have tried many times to explain how my husband of 15 years and father of my two children described his relationship to alcohol before his suicide.

And he has done it so hauntingly and beautifully that I am considering sharing this piece with his friends and family in an effort to help them understand how stuck he felt.

Last 100 Days Alcoholic: Gotta Be More#c7586603641299020482